Matters of taste

“Tis the season to be eatin’! Fa-la-la-la-la-lah. La-lah. Lah. Lah!

Burp.

Oh yeah. The holiday food fest. By this time in December it’s about the only thing that’s keeping one more pa-rum-pum-pum from that insistent, insufferable little drummer boy from triggering all manner of mayhem up to and possibly including homicide. Once a year few of us give second thought to putting fudge, peanut brittle, almond bark and cookies, cookies, cookies on the daily menu. Gluttony competes with greed as the seasonal favorite deadly sin, and that’s just fine with me.

Food has always occupied a place near and dear to my heart – or, more precisely, just above my belt buckle. I’ve managed to munch my way through 13 presidential administrations and am well into number 14 with, hopefully, no dessert in sight. My affection for food has stayed with me – my midsection profile will attest to that – along with a high regard and deep respect for what goes into my mouth.

Unfortunately, I’m seeing more and more disrespect toward the things we eat or are expected or encouraged to eat. What used to be clear and well understood as to what was and what wasn’t brought to the table has become muddled, mislabeled and misunderstood.

Take chili…

There is no such thing as “white chili.”

When the cowhands sidled up to the chuckwagon for their portions of the dish that frontier Texans concocted out of chili peppers and a tough old longhorn steer, they were likely to refer to the repast handed to them as a “bowl of red.” Although, later on, folks might add tomatoes and beans – to the dismay of Lone Star purists – Chili con Carne – translatable as peppers and meat -- always and everywhere included the flesh of some species of mammal – wild, domestic or unidentifiable road kill.

Now lots of folks serve up a version of cream of chicken soup flavored with jalapenos and cumin supplemented with white beans. It can be mighty tasty, but don’t call it chili. It ain’t a bowl of red.Likewise vegan cooks can concoct a truly flavorful vegetable stew – but unless the pot contains carne, calling it chili is a con.

We’ve been playing fast and loose with what we’ve been calling other popular menu items. Let’s be real clear … an edible flat surface with stuff piled on it does not a pizza make.

For pizza to be pizza there needs to be a wheat flour crust topped with tomato sauce and cheese. Add appropriate toppings as desired … emphasis here on appropriate. I’m talking sausage, pepperoni, onions, peppers, olives, anchovies … you know the list. No pineapple … ever…and for God’s sake no one but a blasphemous fool would add the likes of broccoli, spinach, or, heaven help us, tater tots or macaroni and cheese. And no, you can’t sub barbeque sauce, ranch dressing or taco seasoning for garlic and oregano scented crushed tomatoes.  Just like there’s no white chili, there’s no white pizza. You might find chicken and alfredo topped with cheese baked on a crust to be good eating, but what you’re eating ain’t pizza.

Show some respect, people. No one can make bacon out of a turkey, and, furthermore, no one should try. Likewise, lacking the participation of a cow, it’s impossible for the Impossible Burger to be a burger. Vegan cheese is as impossible as the aforementioned burger, and for the same reason.

We should share with our children that nothing claiming to be grape-flavored tastes the least like a real grape, and that there is no fruit in Froot Loops. For that matter, they need to know that outside of that carton, Froot does not exist.

Also, let us remind ourselves that kale is not food, it is forage. Man does not live by bread alone, on occasion, he needs a doughnut.

Truth is, some good things are bad for us. Live with it…we’re all gonna die anyway.

Meanwhile… Enjoy!